A Serious Name Topic: Bullying

I’ve been reading about the topic of bullying lately because it’s in the news right now. A lot of bullying relies on name calling for its effective delivery of insult and pain so it seemed like a relevant topic for discussion on this blog.

You know the saying, “sticks and stones may hurt my bones but words will never harm me?” That’s a cute saying, but research is validating that it’s not true. Reports indicate that 30% of us have experienced bullying at some point in our lives, but I expect the real number is probably higher than that. It’s not a fun thing to report, but research is showing that it’s results are real. Words are in fact harmful: children who are bullied experience more sadness and loneliness than their peers.

When my daughter would come home from elementary school upset at something a kid at school said to her, I would remind her that mean kids do mean things because they’re feeling small. Now she’s in middle school where mean things are said and done individually but also in large groups.

I watched a TED talk recently by David Logan whose research identified 5 stages of tribes. Knowing and understanding where we are and how to work with people in these tribes can help a person individually and the tribe collectively. In his March 2009 presentation, he described these stages of tribes as follows:

• Stage One: The world sucks! You may have had a day or two where you thought you believed this, but people who truly feel this way can do horrible things. This is the tribe of gangs and prisons. People in these tribes will do whatever it takes to survive.
• Stage 2: My life sucks! Dr. Logan describes the stereotypical image of a Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) as a classic Stage Two environment. He suggests when we’re at the DMV we may think to ourselves, “How can people be so dumb and yet live?” He quickly points out, however, that it’s not the people who are dumb, but the culture that makes them seem dumb.
• Stage 3: I’m great, but you’re NOT! A lot of people set up shop and live here. It requires no self reflection so it can appear a comfortable place to be. The problem is, this form of existence relies on finding others to compete with and beat down to assure that the theory remains true. This behavior makes it a natural habitat for bullies.
• Stage 4: I’m great, who’s not great! This is where people can begin to do some remarkable things. Tribes in this stage unite individuals around certain values and bring them together to do something greater than their individual level of competence. These people are highly motivated to work together and as a result can achieve a lot.
• Stage 5: Life is Great! This stage is fairly self evident. It’s like Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs that resolves in self actualization. Very few achieve it, but it’s a goal for us all to get there.

I told my daughter about these stages of tribes and it helped. I think she was taking the rhetoric being spewed by some particularly adamant Stage 3 people as truth. Once she realized that these kids at school were desperately defending their “I’m great but you’re not” theory, it started to make sense to her. I’m not suggesting it makes it easier to get through a day surrounded by people like that.

Toxic cultures are a lot like smoke-filled rooms. You can leave the environment, but the stench stays with you. The trick is finding ways to protect yourself by understanding the bullying and distancing yourself from its venom. I love names, and I would like to prevent them from being used as weapons.