Waiter, There’s a Fly in My…

My mom had an impromptu family dinner at her house not too long ago. It was an enjoyable evening of laughter, food, and of course, dessert. And while we were enjoying dessert I happened to notice something odd on our table.

My sisters probably thought I was zoning out again. Well, actually I was. It was like the discussion around the table started to fade away as I studied the plastic bottle of salad dressing sitting on the table, a remnant from dinner. We were too eager for dessert to deal with putting away all the dinner condiments first. I mean, my sister had made her famous apple pie! Who wants to worry about putting the salad dressing away at a moment like that?

That’s probably how I came to study that bottle of salad dressing. Something colorful to look at as the conversation continued. But there was a speck in that bottle that looked suspiciously out of place. Could it have been spices all bunched together?

No, I don’t think so.

What was even more bothersome was the iridescent green emanating from that unidentified black speck.

I turned the bottle this way and that until finally I’d had enough of my own investigating. I interrupted the ongoing discussion to make the following announcement:

“Excuse me, people, but I think there’s a fly in our salad dressing!”

Everyone turned slowly toward me and then down to the bottle on the table, all with a look of disbelief on their face. What was their goofy sister up to now!

“Are you sure?” my sister asked.

“Of course I’m not sure. That’s why I said ‘I think there’s a fly in our salad dressing.’” (That’s how sisters talk to each other.)

The bottle was then passed around from person to person for individual inspections after which each one said, “Ooooh!” or “Gross!” or “That’s disgusting!”

My mom assured us that she bought the dressing that afternoon and had just opened it before dinner. Besides, this particular bottle of dressing had one of those very tiny pour spouts that only allows the user to drizzle out the contents. There’s no way that fly got into the bottle post processing.

That was one marinated fly.

You can imagine how this event caused quite a change in discussion at the dessert table.

“Well, mom, you should decide what color of Cadillac you want,” my sister said.

We all laughed. If someone can get millions for burns caused from spilling hot coffee, a Cadillac didn’t seem entirely unreasonable for a fly.

It turns out it was.

As much as food processing plants may work to keep their environments clean, there’s going to be a fly…or two that gets by. In fact, there are standards that  food processing plants must follow and none of them translate into 100% fly-free food. For example, think about your favorite peanut butter. The rules allow 30 or more insect fragments or one or more rodent hairs per 100 grams of peanut butter.

That gives a whole new meaning to the label “All Natural,” doesn’t it?

It turns out that when you call about a fly in your salad dressing, the only thing they give you is…more salad dressing. In fact, they sent me coupons for three free bottles of salad dressing. I probably could have pressed for four, but what’s the point? I mean, isn’t that a little like the hair of the dog that bit you?

None of the regulating rules allow for entire bugs to come through during the processing, but obviously it happens from time to time. And even though we didn’t get a Cadillac out of the deal, I wasn’t really expecting it in the first place. (But it sure would have been nice!)

We left that bottle of salad dressing on our counter for awhile; a reminder of the hidden and accidental contents of processed food. After some time I realized that of all the ingredients found in processed foods, flies should probably be the least of my worries.