Hi, I’m Marly. I’m a vegan which means I love animals. But I have a confession. I hate squirrels. That’s right. You’re about to enter that weird zone I call, Confessions of a Squirrel-Hating Vegan. This is actually Part Two. And you know what that means? I’ve written about this before.
You might look at that little fella and say, “Ahh, how cute!”
I admire you for that. I just don’t happen to agree.
Whenever I see squirrels in my yard, I eye them with great suspicion. One eyebrow raised, I stare them down. That’s because I know they’re up to no good. Of course, they might just be up in my 50-year old oak tree. And if they would stick with that, I’d be fine. But that’s not enough for the lily-livered, bow-legged varmints. Yeah, that’s me imitating Yosemite Sam and referring to critters as varmints. Where’s my cowboy hat!
The main reason I resent the squirrels in my yard is because they eat these.
Prepossessing, palatable pears.
Do you blame me? Wouldn’t you want to eat one of them too? Most every year my tree produces hundreds of pears. In the entire time I’ve lived here can you guess how many pears I’ve actually eaten?
One. That’s it.
Every year, just about this time, the squirrels descend on my poor defenseless tree. Like vultures!
A couple of years ago, at the advice of my Master Gardner cousin, I tried putting nets around select pieces of fruit. That slowed them down…maybe a day.
Then last year I tried pepper spray. No, I didn’t spray the squirrels. I’m a little more passive aggressive than that. I may hate them, but I’m not out to physically hurt them.
I was given a fairly good tip that squirrels would not like the fruit covered in pepper spray and as a result they would head for the hills. That, or the neighbor’s yard. Either way, I would be happy.
And stay away they did…for maybe a week.
I thought at the time that I was defeated. That it was all over. My desires to be like Martha Stewart gathering fruit fresh from the tree and making a pear tart, pear butter, or dried pear placemats were dashed!
But then, out of the clear blue came a little crystal of an idea. A new plan. And now I’m just as fool-heartedly optimistic as I’ve been at the beginning of the seasons in years past!
Here is my new Pear Protection Program for 2012.
Your eyes are not playing tricks on you. That is a plastic bottle nestled over a growing pear. (I knew there had to be some use for those bottles!)
It all began when I was leafing through a magazine and I noticed an advertisement for a type of wine that had a full-grown pear in the bottom. I wondered how that pear got there and then I realized, they must have let the pear grown inside the bottle. And that’s when it hit me like a mack truck. Either that or it was Jane Brody’s Good Food Book falling off the shelf. Have you seen that book? It’s on the big side. It can leave quite a lump.
Anyway, figuring that plastic bottles might weigh a little less than glass, I immediately started setting a few aside for my diabolical plan. Mwah Hah Hah! (That’s my diabolical laugh).
Salad dressing bottles. Water bottles. There was no end to the plastic bottles I would use.
And for those of you questioning my values, rest assured that I’m not stingy. I’m not out to eat every last bit of fruit. I just protected a few.
Besides, this plan is still in beta. (That’s techy, Mac-people kind of talk for the “testing” phase.)
Of course, this year I might have to calculate an additional variable. The fruit may be experiencing extra protection from our early summer. I came to that conclusion because the fruit all over the tree is looking rather plump, not just the ones in the bottles. I think the squirrels have been thrown off their schedule a bit. I’ll even use global warming to my advantage! Mwah Hah Hah. (More diabolical laughing).
If you doubt the intelligence of these four-footed fiends, I invite you to view this video, Squirrel World, submitted to me by Dave. I guess Dave thought watching this video might help promote some “tolerance and understanding.” You know, the whole, “give squirrels a chance,” mentality? Dave, all I have to say is this video only proves further how treacherous squirrels can really be.
All kidding aside, I do hope my Pear in a Plastic Bottle Protection Program (PPBPP) works. I’ll donate the fruit at the top of this tall tree, I’m just looking for the ten or so protected pears to bear some delicious fruit!
And this is the true meaning behind the theory of peace at a price. Marly and the squirrels living in peace…once I get some of those pears.
And just so you all know, this is it; my plan of last resort. If this doesn’t work, I’m going to ignore that tree in the back yard and head to the grocery store to buy pears there instead. I noticed they were on sale last week anyway.