Namely Marly

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I’ve been reading about the topic of bullying lately because it’s in the news right now. A lot of bullying relies on name calling for its effective delivery of insult and pain so it seemed like a relevant topic for discussion on this blog.

You know the saying, “sticks and stones may hurt my bones but words will never harm me?” That’s a cute saying, but research is validating that it’s not true. Reports indicate that 30% of us have experienced bullying at some point in our lives, but I expect the real number is probably higher than that. It’s not a fun thing to report, but research is showing that it’s results are real. Words are in fact harmful: children who are bullied experience more sadness and loneliness than their peers.

When my daughter would come home from elementary school upset at something a kid at school said to her, I would remind her that mean kids do mean things because they’re feeling small. Now she’s in middle school where mean things are said and done individually but also in large groups.

I watched a TED talk recently by David Logan whose research identified 5 stages of tribes. Knowing and understanding where we are and how to work with people in these tribes can help a person individually and the tribe collectively. In his March 2009 presentation, he described these stages of tribes as follows:

• Stage One: The world sucks! You may have had a day or two where you thought you believed this, but people who truly feel this way can do horrible things. This is the tribe of gangs and prisons. People in these tribes will do whatever it takes to survive.
• Stage 2: My life sucks! Dr. Logan describes the stereotypical image of a Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) as a classic Stage Two environment. He suggests when we’re at the DMV we may think to ourselves, “How can people be so dumb and yet live?” He quickly points out, however, that it’s not the people who are dumb, but the culture that makes them seem dumb.
• Stage 3: I’m great, but you’re NOT! A lot of people set up shop and live here. It requires no self reflection so it can appear a comfortable place to be. The problem is, this form of existence relies on finding others to compete with and beat down to assure that the theory remains true. This behavior makes it a natural habitat for bullies.
• Stage 4: I’m great, who’s not great! This is where people can begin to do some remarkable things. Tribes in this stage unite individuals around certain values and bring them together to do something greater than their individual level of competence. These people are highly motivated to work together and as a result can achieve a lot.
• Stage 5: Life is Great! This stage is fairly self evident. It’s like Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs that resolves in self actualization. Very few achieve it, but it’s a goal for us all to get there.

I told my daughter about these stages of tribes and it helped. I think she was taking the rhetoric being spewed by some particularly adamant Stage 3 people as truth. Once she realized that these kids at school were desperately defending their “I’m great but you’re not” theory, it started to make sense to her. I’m not suggesting it makes it easier to get through a day surrounded by people like that.

Toxic cultures are a lot like smoke-filled rooms. You can leave the environment, but the stench stays with you. The trick is finding ways to protect yourself by understanding the bullying and distancing yourself from its venom. I love names, and I would like to prevent them from being used as weapons.

My last post included a picture of the one lilac blossom blooming in my yard. Mindy of The Suburban Life blog commented that she loved lilacs but that they made her sneeze “like the dickens” followed by a question: Where does that saying come from?

It clearly doesn’t take much to entertain me because I took her question as an assignment. My next quest for the day. OK. Well, it didn’t really take me a day to figure this out, but I did think about it a lot! I’m devoted to the topic of names and I include words as part of my passion because, words are names too. (They get offended if you leave them out!)

I used to hear my dad scream from the other room, “Where the dickens are my shoes!” That usually was code word for us kids to scram. Because although dickens is not considered foul language, it’s a precursor (pardon the pun) and it indicated patience was running thin. Or it meant you left his shoes outside when you were trying to make a scarecrow yesterday. Either way, the further you were from the scene of any crime, the better!

So, tell me. How many of you thought that when we say, “like the dickens” that it was some reference to Charles Dickens. It’s a mistake made by many people with a lack of understanding of the saying’s origins. (I didn’t know it either, but don’t tell anyone.)

Charles is actually off the hook because “what the dickens” dates back further than his appearance in history. But his surname may be given some credit. Back in the day Dickens was a substitute used in place of the word Devil. The Devil. Voldemort. These are characters who fall in the “he who must not be named” category so other names are used in their place.

World Wide Words says that the first recorded use of the phrase was William Shakespeare in “the Merry Wives of Windsor.” You want to see the line? I thought you might. Here it is:

FORD: Where had you this pretty weathercock?

MRS PAGE: I cannot tell what the dickens his name is my husband had him of”.

Mr. Quinion describes how the pun in this script relies on the audience “knowing that Dickens was a personal name and that what the dickens was a mild oath which called on the Devil.”

Now, Mindy, you know what the dickens that saying means! Anybody else have any assignments for me?

Spring has sprung in our yard. And what a transformation! From dull, lifeless looking twigs, to vibrant green life budding everywhere!

This is a leaf of a grape vine and it’s hiding a surprise.

Probably something that looks an awful lot like this!

The wisteria are not going to be left behind in this spring’s debut of colors!

And neither are the lilacs. This is the bush I planted just last year. I was happy to see even this one bloom.

Imagine my amazement the first spring after we moved to this home — the whole side of the house was bursting with these delicate, scented flowers.

I think nature provides us opportunities to reflect on our lives. Time to stop and smell the flowers, both literally and figuratively. Don’t you think this would be a much better time of year to make “new year’s” resolutions? (I mean, who wants to start a walking program in the middle of the winter?)

These are the days when the landscape erupts in color so we can be stopped in our tracks and reminded of the chance for renewal. Is there anything in your life that is ready to blossom? Are you considering a new job? Another child? Or maybe you’d just like to learn a new language.

When you plant a seed, it doesn’t produce flowers overnight. Things take time to grow. And you can’t pull the soil back to see how the seed is growing. (Darn! This seriously tests my lack of patience!)

This is our chance to meander through life’s garden to learn where we want to grow. Now, I think I’m going to dust off those Spanish tapes and go pull some weeds!

Nothing can take your mind off your squirrel-hating problems as much as brownies. And these brownies certainly take the cake. (Wait a minute…does that even make sense?)

My husband likes to say that you shouldn’t gild a lily, but what did Shakespeare know about brownies? Granted, he was in Europe during the days when chocolate was first introduced, but whose to say they really knew what they were doing with it? I bet if Shakespeare were here today, he would agree that this lily (the brownie) definitely needs to be gilded!

So gilded it is. This recipe is so dense and rich, you would never believe it’s vegan. I can guarantee you that after a few bites, I forgot all about the fruit in my yard that I may never get to eat and drifted off into a blissful chocolate high. I recommend it!

Vegan Rocky Road Brownies

½ cup margarine, melted
½ cup peanut butter (I use peanut butter to help reduce the amount of margarine. You could also use coconut oil. Yummm)
1 package silken tofu, whipped
4 squares chocolate, melted (I use Baker’s semi-sweet)
2.5 cup sugar
1 cup coconut milk
1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
1 ½ cups all purpose flour
½ cup cocoa
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
1 cup walnuts, chopped
1 package vegan marshmallows
Chocolate Syrup

1. Heat oven to 350 degrees.
2. Lightly grease a 9×13 baking dish.
3. Wet ingredients: Melt margarine and chocolate squares in a microwave. Combine the melted chocolate, margarine, peanut butter, sugar, and vanilla in a large bowl. Next, use a blender to whip tofu and then add to wet ingredients. Combine coconut milk and vinegar and add to the wet ingredients.
4. Dry ingredients: Sift together the flour, cocoa powder, and salt. Gradually stir the flour mixture into the chocolate mixture until blended. Then add the chocolate chips (you don’t want to forget those!)
5. Spread the batter evenly into the prepared baking dish.
6. Bake in heated oven about 35 to 45 minutes
7. Remove, and cool before cutting. (It’s so hard to wait, but it’s worth it)
8. Top with marshmallows, nuts, and drizzle with chocolate syrup.